I am looking for Love. I will do anything for it.
I will ignore.
I will be callous.
I will be loud.
I will throw a tantrum.
I will be silent.
I will bear a grudge.
I will withhold.
I will push my way through.
I will cry.
I will scream.
I will fight for it.
I will break down.
I will run away.
I will lose.
I will win.
I will confess.
I will lie.
I will give in.
I will give up.
I will adjust.
I will bully.
I will not budge.
Because…
I was not taught to listen with my heart.
Only with my ears.
I was not taught to look with my understanding.
Only with my eyes.
I was not taught to speak what I feel.
Only what I fear.
And so I learnt survival
and not living.
And I don’t know real love.
I am looking for love and when I find it…
I will continue to do all I have ever done.
Because I know no other way to be anymore.
And I will be sorry I hurt you.
And I will lose your love.
Or live in fear of losing it.
And be back where I started…
..Looking for Love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I now know that love has many faces.
The hand that hit me as a child had love for me despite the blows. It once broke hard earth as a labourer’s hands so I could have pretty dresses and premium baby food. It also after the blows worked relentlessly to get me a scholarship so I could end up better than those hands.
The hands that never hugged me loved me despite that coldness. It made my meals, did my laundry and started a garden for me because those were the only acts of affection those hands knew how to afford.
The hands that threw away my life savings loved me despite the irresponsibility. It once wiped away my tears as a lover who gave me wings to fly free. It also after the regret of selfish gain worked tirelessly to feed, clothe and pamper our babies so they would never know lack. It also continues to wipe away my tears and holds me close on cold, dark nights.
The hands that did not pick up the phone to accompany me in my darkest hour loved me despite the lack of time and ability to find the right words. It sent money for my daughter to continue dancing and painting. It also folded in constant prayer asking for all the comfort it could not give to arrive to me through someone else.
And to those who genuinely did not love me.. they did too. In their own fashion, however they could afford to. It could have been an hour of shared laughter over pretentious coffee or in one moment of hello in a courtesy call.
Because I now know that love is like money to many. They can’t give more than what's in their personal account. And unlike bank accounts where figures show clear deficits, hearts that lack are not as apparent to the observer, and far less so to the account holder.
And so, far too many people keep it all in... whatever love they have, unsure how much they actually have and how to gain more. And if they must, they dole it out ever so carefully, weighing every heart dollar, afraid they will run out. Constantly looking for their perception of love they can afford or that is of ‘bankable’ value, they fail to see so much available love that is in plain view.
It could be a street vendor giving me a 10 cent discount on my breakfast.
It could be my child openly stomping off and slamming the door to cool off instead of agreeing in silent resentment just to appease me.
It could be an ‘outer circle’ friend who regularly remembers to send me an uplifting message.
It does not need to be a lover devoted to me all the time, a friend who is available 24-7, a parent who understands my view constantly, a spouse who adjusts to my flaws effortlessly, or a child who is obedient and grateful everyday.
Because I see now that love wears too many disguises and I often miss them because I am looking at love conditionally in my quest for unconditional love. In my longing to be loved without expectations pinned on me, I love conditionally by only accepting love that I can recognize beyond the disguise it wears, according to my interpretation and perception of what it should look like… according to my own expectations of what love is.
Instead, I will do well from this point onwards to love unconditionally by accepting that love could look like anything.
I have a feeling that as I open my mind and heart to this possibility, it may just be that I will find the unconditional love I seek everywhere in and around me. And looking for Love this way.. I will at last find the amazing reciprocity of life. I will find at long last.. Love looking for ME.
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